To be intrigued 

The passing of time continues in a never ending continuum of love and loss. The years past are distant memories that have faded to glimpses into a soul dripping into an abyss of emotion where time and space are one of the same.  

Being pushed past the brink of forever into a never yielding time of soul searching. Soul longing. Soul intrigued.  

With eyes closed one can envision a time of color while in the blackness. Of life within the desert.  Of love within the emptiness. Never before has the mind been so powerful as in its ability to create in the dark. In the empty pages life springs forth. To be torn away. Discarded. Following examples set forth by the elders we stay within the reach of invisible boundaries. Breaking free only to be snagged back into the routine of life with eyes wide open but in the dark, yes, in the dark we can create a new reality. 

Breathing in the air of today so we may exhale the breath of tomorrow. Tomorrow. Ha. A broken dream. An unrealized reality. The oxymoron of an enlightened soul. Can the soul ever obtain enlightenment? Isn’t the soul forever longing to become an ascended being. To grace the gates of heaven or to become one with the vast goodness of the Mother, or whatever beloved or feared power you believe in. Fear.  Such a powerful emotion. It can bring the great to their knees or rise up the smallest among us. Fear. Used since the beginning of time to conquer our souls. To enslave our minds and to encircle our loins in an invisible bondage to be broken only through the freedom of choice.  To choose to break the mold. To become free from others only to be enveloped with a nudging of longing for something more. 

The stiffness of solidarity. The softness of easing into flight. These are the things that intrigue me. 


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It’s kind of funny. As my stock of coffee filters gets lower and lower, I have about 2 weeks worth left, I begin to think of all the stuff that’s happened over the past 200 days. That’s been many many cups of coffee, many many morning conversations on the way to work, and many many smiles and some plans that did not happen and some that did. So, what’s on the agenda for the next 200? 

As I get comfortable with the new decade of 40, I begin to contemplate how I’d like to spend the time I have left. A shop without a course is bound by the ever changing currents and can become adrift at sea or crash to the shore. So, I want to set a flexible course for no one can yet predict the weather but I’d like to have an idea of the different ports to visit along the way. 

Last week I realized that there has only been one person in my life that has been an ear to my adventures, a shoulder in my woes, and a confidant through the last decade. Believe it or not, it’s been a coworker. We only have gotten together less then a dozen times in as many years. There’s several things that we don’t have in common but we have had a lot of time together. We’ve listened as the weeks of life have ticked by paycheck by paycheck. We’ve shared the interests of work while going our separate ways in our free time. No one except my mom, has known me through such years. Kind of sad in a way but it fits. My mom moved us around a lot so I never put forth roots. I once counted with my older half brother how many times I had moved between both and the age of fifteen. Believe it or not it was over 20. Since then I’ve added another dozen or so.. the longest stability I’ve had has been my mom and my job of 17 years. The longest relationship was 11 years. So.. I’m used to change but at the same time it can be scary and exciting. I’ve begun to realize that life has a way of moving. Always changing if even subtle. 

Although I want goals, I haven’t written them down. I haven’t been able to narrow the options. I know that once I make something a priority it’ll happen, if I focus enough energy towards it. 

I’m actually debating if Paris is really important to me, like it was several years ago when I dodged out of a trip with my last Master. I know I’d like to take a short trip to Las Vegas. That’s on my bucket list. I used to have a long bucket list of adventures. Like hot air ballooning across the Serengeti, yes, they actually have those. But, I’m not searching like I used to be in my early thirties. I used to want my life to change quickly, now I’m finding that the daily routine is comforting, because eventually it’ll change. I don’t have to force the hand of life. I don’t have to fight so hard to steer against the wind. I can use the winds of change as a guide. Maybe I’ll skip a port due to a storm but that doesn’t mean that I’ll never sail past it again. I feel transitional right now, meaning I’m preparing for a shift. Not sure what it is yet but I’m mentally gathering together things which I hold dear. Kind of like questioning yourself, in a fire what would you grab? What’s replaceable? I feel like purging those things which are replaceable so that I can have a clear focus. I feel a little cluttered right now, mentally. I’m using this time so that I can gather my thoughts and intentions so that I can formulate my destination. 

Onward and upward. Until the next coffee filter package is empty.. 😎


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Learning, leaning and Listening. 

A behavior, an embrace, and an action. 

Learning generally requires listening but what about leaning. What if your not leaning on another but instead leaning on your own inner strength. The term leaning may generally be taken as a way to negate your own personal responsibility but it can also be used as an anchor, a balance of sorts, kind of like a tripod being more stable then using just two anchor points. 

I generally lean on Master but in times of absence I lean back on my own learning from him that I obtained through listening. 

Listening in a tpe (total power exchange) is an active action. It’s not passive. It requires all different senses in order to truly absorb the meaning intended. Not that my Master is unclear but I would miss the subtleties that could easily go unseen in passive listening.  This creates a immersion learning experience even when words are not used.  


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So…it went like this

We all (Master, myself, and my triad sister) attended our local munch last week at a restaurant. This is a monthly munch. There was the normal turn out. About 25 people.. Almost everyone besides 3 people were regulars. So, after consuming our meal, my Master and I introduced ourselves to the newbie table. Granted, two of them were certainly not new to the lifestyle. But, new to that particular munch. The other newbie was a women who was by herself. She showed bravery by coming out to meet people IRL. (In real life) Especially when she didn’t know anyone there. So after Master introduced himself he left me to chit chat at their table. They were nice and talkative. I told them about our MAsT chapter, ( and said that I would be looking them up on fet. Well, within a couple days one sent me a friend request, I immediately accepted (after asking permission) and wrote her a nice private message along with my acceptance. Two days past and no response. I thought that she might not have been back on fet so I wasnt to concerned. I wasn’t demanding a dialogue just an acknowledgement.  Then, on my friend feed, I saw that she wrote a journal entry, bingo. I read it. It was general just saying how she was new and just beginning her path. I responded. I wrote a response of encouragement and offered my assistance should she want it. No reply.. no big deal. Sometimes I don’t get a chance to reply to people either. But then, more responses to her entry started lining up under her entry and with each one she responded to personally. Hmmm. She skipped over mine. And… mine happened to be the longest response, she could’ve missed it. I reread it thinking maybe I said something offensive, nope. I said nothing but encouraging words and then there still wasn’t a reply to my private message I had sent.. well.. I defriended her. She had over 50 friends. Don’t think that she would’ve even noticed. I’m not going to have people in my friend feed that I’m not friends with.

Two days later I was at our local coffee group get together. Lifestyle friendly group. I asked the coordinator of the munch about the new woman, asked if she received any correspondence from her because I got no where.. she said yes.. they had been writing back and forth a few times. Hmmm. I asked the coordinator then if she saw my response to the woman’s journal entry and had seen that she never acknowledged me. The coordinator agreed that it was rude to not give a response to my private message or the other when every other person had received one… Hmmm.

At this time, I washed my hands. I was irritated, yes but not enough to continue to fret about it. Then… boom. The next evening, which was a week after the first encounter, I received a response to my private message. She said that she was confused on her BDSM journey and to have patience with her. What? There wasn’t an explanation of what I had said that offended her so how am I supposed to tread when she admitted that she closes herself off from certain people at a whim.. Hmmm. It’s been a day. I haven’t responded because I’m not quite sure how to proceed.  I think I just may offer to answer questions should she want to ask but to continue a dialogue would be futile. The munch coordinator was doing a good job of continuing to making her feel welcomed to events, no reason for me to kiss her butt. And no, there was no apology, no explanation, and no acknowledgement of my response to her journal entry.  I think I may need more hand soap…


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Never ever is Such a definitive term. Could we possibly say never? I mean for some things, obviously, for like murder but…. Could we even for that? I mean circumstances can pop up, self defense? There are certain lines that most do not cross but in making decisions I believe we should be gentler in our judgment. 

You could say, I’d never steal but what if your child was hungry and the only way to put food on the table was to shoplift every once in a while? What if you say, I would never give up fighting for my own life no matter what the circumstance, and then realize that the pain from a terminal illness was not only destroying you but those around you? Would you surrender then?

There are a million and one possibilities. I always look back in forgiveness of another and think that they made the best decision they could at that time. Hindsight is a oxymoronic gift. I made that word up according to my spell check.. Lol..

Looking back for example at my mom and I growing up, there were decisions she made out of desperation. Decisions that were a betrayal of my trust of a parent’s responsibility to keep theirs safe. She dated/religiously married an alcoholic. He was abusive verbally and some physical. Between his binges he was good but then the binges came and he would turn. I cannot tell you how many times we lost our place to live every time. He lost his job and disappeared for weeks. We moved over 15 times in a span of 8 years. But that was something that wasn’t uncommon for me even before he came into our lives.  

At one point he, thankfully, unsuccessfully tried to rape me when I was 11 or 12. I was able to get away from his grip. My mom wasnt home at the time but I told her when she got home. They fought. He left but was back within a couple months. Then there was the time that he was sitting on our front porch, with a box cutter blade in his hand. He started slicing his arm trying to get my moms pity. All I saw was blood. I was 12. I started screaming. Police were called by the neighbors and they chased him into the back woods behind the house.. He ended up being ok.he Was taken into custody. I don’t remember him being around too much after that. Shortly after, my mom started chemo for leukemia. That’s another story in itself. 

Im not saying this because I want pity. We all have our stories mine are no worse then the next.  But sometimes its hard for me to get her thinking. Im the person I am because of my past circumstances so I ended up turning out ok, at least that’s what the voices in my head tell me.   Lol. 

I think overall she was desperate. She came from a sexually abusive situation growing up and a mother who despised her. It was a screwed up situation. I think the alcoholic gave her love and the only chaotic stability she’d known. I could be totally off base but I believe that she’s not an inherently bad person. In the beginning of the blog I asked if you would steal food to feed your child. She did. I was 6 when she got caught. Luckily, the grocery store didn’t turn her in. Thank god. She was a struggling single mom without a college degree waitressing to get a roof over our heads. So.. Before you befall judgment there are always back stories. Most do not make the decisions we think they should but we don’t have their health, their past, their life. 

I remember walking down the road with my mom to nowhere, after a fight they had.  I got to pack my school stuff, clean underwear and my bed time stuffed rabbit. We were then officially homeless. Thankfully, a women on her way home from church spotted us and opened her home to us for the next 6 months. This stranger turned into my moms best friend and ally. She has since died from breast cancer but she’ll always have a special place in my heart. 

So. “I’d never ever do that” is a strong statement. Honestly, we don’t know what we’d never do. Be careful what you put out into the universe.  The negative focus is still a focus to the universe.  The energy is still expended.  Better to concentrate on what you want to bring into your life instead of what you don’t want or are fearful of. We create more then we can imagine. Im creating forgiveness and choosing to believe the good that people have. 

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My brother emailed this baby pic of me a couple days ago. It’s one I’ve never seen, which was taken at the hospital.

Looking at it was strange, made me think of this 40 year journey I’ve been on. The same big question when looking at the newborns of today. Who knows the journey each individual will take?  It’s kind of like standing at the edge of the ocean wondering if someone on the other side is looking back thinking the same thing.  I remember doing that when I was young. I would spend hours just staring at the horizon of the Atlantic. I could almost project myself out of my current situation and fly to lands I’ve yet to visit. I digress. lol

So, back to the pic. Looking at it, there’s so much potential, so much greatness held in a tiny frame, so much to learn. I’m not being conceited, I think there’s the potential for greatness as long as there is breath left. I kind of feel questionable about whether I’m disappointed in myself or not.. disappointed is a strong word, maybe not the right one. Let me think….. Let’s put it this way, I wonder if the same decisions would be made if I could’ve seen myself as a newborn and asked her? Let me explain… not that a newborn knows the secrets of life but children are not tainted. They believe in purity, they are purity. So, how would my life be changed if I had no fear of failure, if I had no trepidation of falling, if I did not carry around past hurt that makes me question my own beliefs? No, a newborn hasn’t acquired that luggage. Would she be excited to live this 40 years or would she want to crawl back in the womb?

I know this is a little deep. 😉 but… I always have been. I’ve been a loner. I remember being in second grade and staring out at the corn fields of Ohio as I was riding in the school bus, sitting by myself, and just deep in thought. Wondering how magnificent the stalks sway and if they knew of their impending doom, when the harvest came? Did the corn revel in giving children cover on a starry filled night of hide-n-seek? Such pondering for a 7 year old. 

Could I possibly explain to my newborn self the peaceful feeling she would get when everything just clicked or the despair of having life turned upside down and inside out? Could she possibly comprehend the thrill of skydiving or the beauty of Sedona? Would she want to try even though the seriousness of life would sometimes get the best of her? Would she smile at her first love even though the rejection would follow? Mostly, would she forgive me of my shortcomings? 

I would want the best for her and seeing this picture reminds me that I need to be gentler with myself, for her and I are one. 


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October 2016 update

Yesterday was my Master’s birthday.. it was nice. We rang it at midnight while we were at Busch gardens, tampa. They have a scary Halloween celebration called Howl-o-scream. We went through six haunted houses. One was awesome. It is called deep water bayou with a Louisiana theme.. I screamed.  We went with another lifestyle couple and our threesome. 

Yesterday, I made homemade cake and frosting.. it’s delicious. Chocolate with chocolate. The icing is butter based.  I don’t use as much sugar as what it calls for, so it’s more of a dark chocolate flavor. The recipe can be found on some of the Hershey’s unsweetened cocoa powder boxes.. 

Our two week trial with my lifestyle sister went really well.. and it went by really quickly. We didn’t get a chance to do a lot of the stuff we wanted to. It was fun though. Not smothering but not lonely either. 

Master has been battling a severe sinus infection for the past month. Doctors, doctors, and did I mention doctors. Lol.. we went to see our primary then a specialist then back to our primary. Basically, between the ER and several antibiotics and other prescriptions we have found that doctors can be stupid. They are contradicting each other. But…. I think he’s on the mend now. Maybe one more appointment with a new specialist but maybe not. So, that has been occupying our time. It’s terrible when a person is so sick and trying so hard. There’s only so much I can do to make him feel better, just make his life as comfortable as possible. 

We faired very well through hurricane Matthew. We were lucky. It stayed off the Florida coast but we were prepared regardless. 

I was in a weird mood today. Listening to music. Listening to “our” songs. You know, the songs that are so instrumental through different periods of your life. So I was remembering and feeling and digesting the meaning of events. Even hind sight in some situations doesn’t help me to see what the hell.. actually it was only one particular song that was haunting me. A song I used To define my time with my first Master. “Wild One” by Flo rida.   Yes I spelled it right, there is a space.. lol..  kind of a coincidence. 

My definition of BDSM was in its infancy. The giddy new sub feeling was really strong. I threw all caution to the wind and fully submitted to the first domly dominant guy that nurtured my strong need for attention. I was so so lucky that I didn’t get damaged, physically or psychologically. Although, I had a twisted view of what a doms care was like. I’m NOT a masochist but put myself in that role by joining up with a sadist. I endured because the aftercare was something I craved. Didn’t realize there were different forms of submission. Didn’t realize that I could live with a Master who could care without Pain. I thought the two were inseparable. I didn’t know about safe words. I only hoped that that first Dom would realize when I was at the end of enduring. So through my tears and pleading eyes, he would release the clothespins from my labia and the excruciating pain would follow. But…. after, he would hug me. I mean, in my very young lifestyle mind, I thought that all Doms/Masters were standoffish and kept their feelings hidden. The stoic postures, the unforgiving rules,  The demands, the chains, the nakedness, the utter submission that was so trusting for the wrong reasons. 

I’m not saying that there are not rules because there are. They are for the benefit of both of us.. I’m not saying that my current Master shows all his hidden feelings because he doesn’t but there’s a trust that he would truly listen to my concerns and I’m here for him also.. I’m not saying that my Master isn’t a steadfast man because he is and he’s consistent in his actions. I’m not saying that there isn’t nakedness but there’s a care there that allows for a cold slave to be covered in the chilly parts of the seasons. I’m not saying that there isn’t a pure submission because there is but this time it was given through respect and not fear. I feared my first Master so much that before getting on the airplane to fly to visit him during my weekly weekend visits I would cry. Actually, ball my eyes out sometimes because I didn’t want to go.. but I kept going back because parts of me were being fulfilled, the emptiness wasn’t so deep when I was with him. I felt I had a purpose in what I felt was a useless life. I was depressed and serving gave me a reason to go forward. Living through someone else kept me putting one foot in front of the other, although I truly believed the life he had me living was better then what I could’ve given myself at the time. Maybe? Maybe not?

I digress.  Lol… so I was haunted by this song today until I found it again. Listened to it a few times until those feelings disappeared into the background. So, now I can release that and enjoy the song for the meaning it had but does not continue to hold me to that time. 

So…. here I am. Digesting. Maybe I should take pepto?  Lol..

Have an awesome evening. 


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