Nevermore

Never ever is Such a definitive term. Could we possibly say never? I mean for some things, obviously, for like murder but…. Could we even for that? I mean circumstances can pop up, self defense? There are certain lines that most do not cross but in making decisions I believe we should be gentler in our judgment. 

You could say, I’d never steal but what if your child was hungry and the only way to put food on the table was to shoplift every once in a while? What if you say, I would never give up fighting for my own life no matter what the circumstance, and then realize that the pain from a terminal illness was not only destroying you but those around you? Would you surrender then?

There are a million and one possibilities. I always look back in forgiveness of another and think that they made the best decision they could at that time. Hindsight is a oxymoronic gift. I made that word up according to my spell check.. Lol..

Looking back for example at my mom and I growing up, there were decisions she made out of desperation. Decisions that were a betrayal of my trust of a parent’s responsibility to keep theirs safe. She dated/religiously married an alcoholic. He was abusive verbally and some physical. Between his binges he was good but then the binges came and he would turn. I cannot tell you how many times we lost our place to live every time. He lost his job and disappeared for weeks. We moved over 15 times in a span of 8 years. But that was something that wasn’t uncommon for me even before he came into our lives.  

At one point he, thankfully, unsuccessfully tried to rape me when I was 11 or 12. I was able to get away from his grip. My mom wasnt home at the time but I told her when she got home. They fought. He left but was back within a couple months. Then there was the time that he was sitting on our front porch, with a box cutter blade in his hand. He started slicing his arm trying to get my moms pity. All I saw was blood. I was 12. I started screaming. Police were called by the neighbors and they chased him into the back woods behind the house.. He ended up being ok.he Was taken into custody. I don’t remember him being around too much after that. Shortly after, my mom started chemo for leukemia. That’s another story in itself. 

Im not saying this because I want pity. We all have our stories mine are no worse then the next.  But sometimes its hard for me to get her thinking. Im the person I am because of my past circumstances so I ended up turning out ok, at least that’s what the voices in my head tell me.   Lol. 

I think overall she was desperate. She came from a sexually abusive situation growing up and a mother who despised her. It was a screwed up situation. I think the alcoholic gave her love and the only chaotic stability she’d known. I could be totally off base but I believe that she’s not an inherently bad person. In the beginning of the blog I asked if you would steal food to feed your child. She did. I was 6 when she got caught. Luckily, the grocery store didn’t turn her in. Thank god. She was a struggling single mom without a college degree waitressing to get a roof over our heads. So.. Before you befall judgment there are always back stories. Most do not make the decisions we think they should but we don’t have their health, their past, their life. 

I remember walking down the road with my mom to nowhere, after a fight they had.  I got to pack my school stuff, clean underwear and my bed time stuffed rabbit. We were then officially homeless. Thankfully, a women on her way home from church spotted us and opened her home to us for the next 6 months. This stranger turned into my moms best friend and ally. She has since died from breast cancer but she’ll always have a special place in my heart. 

So. “I’d never ever do that” is a strong statement. Honestly, we don’t know what we’d never do. Be careful what you put out into the universe.  The negative focus is still a focus to the universe.  The energy is still expended.  Better to concentrate on what you want to bring into your life instead of what you don’t want or are fearful of. We create more then we can imagine. Im creating forgiveness and choosing to believe the good that people have. 

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My brother emailed this baby pic of me a couple days ago. It’s one I’ve never seen, which was taken at the hospital.

Looking at it was strange, made me think of this 40 year journey I’ve been on. The same big question when looking at the newborns of today. Who knows the journey each individual will take?  It’s kind of like standing at the edge of the ocean wondering if someone on the other side is looking back thinking the same thing.  I remember doing that when I was young. I would spend hours just staring at the horizon of the Atlantic. I could almost project myself out of my current situation and fly to lands I’ve yet to visit. I digress. lol

So, back to the pic. Looking at it, there’s so much potential, so much greatness held in a tiny frame, so much to learn. I’m not being conceited, I think there’s the potential for greatness as long as there is breath left. I kind of feel questionable about whether I’m disappointed in myself or not.. disappointed is a strong word, maybe not the right one. Let me think….. Let’s put it this way, I wonder if the same decisions would be made if I could’ve seen myself as a newborn and asked her? Let me explain… not that a newborn knows the secrets of life but children are not tainted. They believe in purity, they are purity. So, how would my life be changed if I had no fear of failure, if I had no trepidation of falling, if I did not carry around past hurt that makes me question my own beliefs? No, a newborn hasn’t acquired that luggage. Would she be excited to live this 40 years or would she want to crawl back in the womb?

I know this is a little deep. 😉 but… I always have been. I’ve been a loner. I remember being in second grade and staring out at the corn fields of Ohio as I was riding in the school bus, sitting by myself, and just deep in thought. Wondering how magnificent the stalks sway and if they knew of their impending doom, when the harvest came? Did the corn revel in giving children cover on a starry filled night of hide-n-seek? Such pondering for a 7 year old. 

Could I possibly explain to my newborn self the peaceful feeling she would get when everything just clicked or the despair of having life turned upside down and inside out? Could she possibly comprehend the thrill of skydiving or the beauty of Sedona? Would she want to try even though the seriousness of life would sometimes get the best of her? Would she smile at her first love even though the rejection would follow? Mostly, would she forgive me of my shortcomings? 

I would want the best for her and seeing this picture reminds me that I need to be gentler with myself, for her and I are one. 

~arianna

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October 2016 update

Yesterday was my Master’s birthday.. it was nice. We rang it at midnight while we were at Busch gardens, tampa. They have a scary Halloween celebration called Howl-o-scream. We went through six haunted houses. One was awesome. It is called deep water bayou with a Louisiana theme.. I screamed.  We went with another lifestyle couple and our threesome. 

Yesterday, I made homemade cake and frosting.. it’s delicious. Chocolate with chocolate. The icing is butter based.  I don’t use as much sugar as what it calls for, so it’s more of a dark chocolate flavor. The recipe can be found on some of the Hershey’s unsweetened cocoa powder boxes.. 

Our two week trial with my lifestyle sister went really well.. and it went by really quickly. We didn’t get a chance to do a lot of the stuff we wanted to. It was fun though. Not smothering but not lonely either. 

Master has been battling a severe sinus infection for the past month. Doctors, doctors, and did I mention doctors. Lol.. we went to see our primary then a specialist then back to our primary. Basically, between the ER and several antibiotics and other prescriptions we have found that doctors can be stupid. They are contradicting each other. But…. I think he’s on the mend now. Maybe one more appointment with a new specialist but maybe not. So, that has been occupying our time. It’s terrible when a person is so sick and trying so hard. There’s only so much I can do to make him feel better, just make his life as comfortable as possible. 

We faired very well through hurricane Matthew. We were lucky. It stayed off the Florida coast but we were prepared regardless. 

I was in a weird mood today. Listening to music. Listening to “our” songs. You know, the songs that are so instrumental through different periods of your life. So I was remembering and feeling and digesting the meaning of events. Even hind sight in some situations doesn’t help me to see what the hell.. actually it was only one particular song that was haunting me. A song I used To define my time with my first Master. “Wild One” by Flo rida.   Yes I spelled it right, there is a space.. lol..  kind of a coincidence. 

My definition of BDSM was in its infancy. The giddy new sub feeling was really strong. I threw all caution to the wind and fully submitted to the first domly dominant guy that nurtured my strong need for attention. I was so so lucky that I didn’t get damaged, physically or psychologically. Although, I had a twisted view of what a doms care was like. I’m NOT a masochist but put myself in that role by joining up with a sadist. I endured because the aftercare was something I craved. Didn’t realize there were different forms of submission. Didn’t realize that I could live with a Master who could care without Pain. I thought the two were inseparable. I didn’t know about safe words. I only hoped that that first Dom would realize when I was at the end of enduring. So through my tears and pleading eyes, he would release the clothespins from my labia and the excruciating pain would follow. But…. after, he would hug me. I mean, in my very young lifestyle mind, I thought that all Doms/Masters were standoffish and kept their feelings hidden. The stoic postures, the unforgiving rules,  The demands, the chains, the nakedness, the utter submission that was so trusting for the wrong reasons. 

I’m not saying that there are not rules because there are. They are for the benefit of both of us.. I’m not saying that my current Master shows all his hidden feelings because he doesn’t but there’s a trust that he would truly listen to my concerns and I’m here for him also.. I’m not saying that my Master isn’t a steadfast man because he is and he’s consistent in his actions. I’m not saying that there isn’t nakedness but there’s a care there that allows for a cold slave to be covered in the chilly parts of the seasons. I’m not saying that there isn’t a pure submission because there is but this time it was given through respect and not fear. I feared my first Master so much that before getting on the airplane to fly to visit him during my weekly weekend visits I would cry. Actually, ball my eyes out sometimes because I didn’t want to go.. but I kept going back because parts of me were being fulfilled, the emptiness wasn’t so deep when I was with him. I felt I had a purpose in what I felt was a useless life. I was depressed and serving gave me a reason to go forward. Living through someone else kept me putting one foot in front of the other, although I truly believed the life he had me living was better then what I could’ve given myself at the time. Maybe? Maybe not?

I digress.  Lol… so I was haunted by this song today until I found it again. Listened to it a few times until those feelings disappeared into the background. So, now I can release that and enjoy the song for the meaning it had but does not continue to hold me to that time. 

So…. here I am. Digesting. Maybe I should take pepto?  Lol..

Have an awesome evening. 

~arianna

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Transparency

I usually title my blog entry prior to writing but I’m just going to see where this goes.

  I have a purging and organizing energy, probably due to my lifestyle sister coming for two straight weeks for a trial period. Maybe it’s comparable to trying to get ready to move or new baby organizing? I’ve never had the latter. But I am familiar with the urge to purge useless things prior to packing.  It’s funny, I just spent the last two days in a funk. This was probably due to having to spend my 3 day weekend with my mom at the hospital for a planned surgery. All went well but it was draining. So, my funk is over.  Dinner is in the oven, candle is lit, and I’m able to unwind and write. 

So, I’m excited for this two week trial. I’m hoping that I can just relax without stepping ahead or hiding in my over evaluating mind.  I’m wanting to connect more, not that we haven’t but there’s always more to explore.

So, tomorrow begins an adventure but also a relaxation. It’s not like she hasn’t spent time here at our home. Most weeks, she spends 2 days before leaving again for work.  

I told her that when she’s not with me it becomes easier to mentally write my own stories about what everything means. This can go down an uneasy path because, when dealing with another person, I don’t know their reactions, feelings, or thoughts for any given stimuli. So, when I try to write my own mental conclusions when I’m alone, I’m often misled by my own fears. (That made sense to me but I totally get it if I just confused the hell out of you.)

My stories are what I contemplate when I’m alone. It’s what haunts the dark crevices and shines light on the pebbles of my mind. Those pebbles are mulled over and over until the edges either get smoothed over or the pain increases from the tiny cuts that form. 

Either way, the actual truth is hard to come by alone, especially when my stories have characters. Those characters are alive and unique, independent from the thoughts inside my mind. There must be a melting of the minds, an openness to communicate those independent thoughts, and…. a way to cast aside the opinionated curtains till there is nothing left but sheer transparency.. 

That’s her favorite thing, transparency. And I will strive to attain this sometimes elusive thread in the story of my mind. 

~arianna

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My Feng Shui

So my favorite time…. sitting on the couch, listening to Pandora with a candle lit while sipping herbal tea.. right now, my environment is perfect. I’ve also have been known to watch the sunrise and admire the beauty of the first rays of the day shoot across the sky. 

It’s these moments that we grab that resets the chaos, recharges the soul and grounds the body. 

I’m reading a book about spiritual awakening. It’s not the first time I’ve read it. It basically describes in the first couple chapters how some people need a life threatening emergency or illness to realize that their priorities were wrong for them. The life that’s ran in a race is not normally a life that gains the trophy. It’s those moments filled with love that have the most meaning. I get that. I’m certainly not saying that I’ve totally have incorporated those philosophies but I’m a work in progress. That’s the best I can do. 

I hope that it doesn’t take a crisis for anyone to realize that life is lived in the smallest of moments. I just turned 40 two days ago and Although it’s a start of a new decade, it’s an opportunity to imagine the greatest version of myself.  But… each moment becomes a new opportunity to become something better then the moment before without fear of falling we can accomplish our dreams. Deep within the depths of our being there is a blue print, a guide, a compass that can lead us on the greatest adventure of life, no matter how long that may be.. what would you do if you lived like you were dying? Would you quit your job to spend more time with your family? Would you downsize?  Would you travel? What would you change?

Personally, I’m not sure what I would change. I wouldn’t want to quit my job because I find purpose. I wouldn’t want to give up these beautiful quiet moments. 

We just went to Savannah, Georgia, for two nights. I wasn’t myself. I was preoccupied with my thoughts of wanting to see and do, check off the items on my list and I’m sure I missed the opportunity to just BE. I enjoyed the time away but although it was only 3 days I was very happy to be back home. My home is cozy, comfy and peaceful. Exactly how I need it to be. It’s my sanctuary. So, I still have moments in which to learn to prioritize. I don’t want to have something negative happen to remember to put forth the most beautiful life. 

My most spiritual places that have touched my soul have been Sedona, AZ, and St. Augustine, FL, but I don’t NEED these places to feel the awesomeness of a connection to my innermost being but the energy there, for me, is AMAZING. 

Where is your most spiritual place? What gets your feng shui energized?

Thank you.

~arianna

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YOLO

So…. I learned a new term today, YOLO. It’s not new but it’s new to me. The saying isn’t but the abbreviation is.. I asked around at work too see if others were more in the loop then I and I found that over half knew and used that word.. what is it? Well… you’ll just need to read on, if you don’t already know and if you do, you’ll be humored by my innocence. 

YOLO.. will be the theme of my 40th year on this planet. It makes me smile. What a great thing to live by but it can also be used as an excuse to live recklessly. I will choose to use it in times where I need encouragement, an insight, or just to remember how fantastic life has been. I mean, overall. My struggles have paled in comparison to others who wake up everyday to a new battle. I’ve had heart break and sickness and health. I’ve had times of prosperity and times of need. I’ve had my dreams shattered and I have been the shatterer of other’s dreams. I have run the course of the common dilemmas of childhood, of which I may soon go into more detail in another post. 

I have seen many things and sometimes wonder what this next decade will hold but if I keep YOLO in mind then it makes me smile at the prospect of having more adventures instead of struggles, having more joyous memories instead of regrets and having opportunities instead of finding dead ends.. 

YOLO.. ready… here it is….

You Only Live Once  and what a once it can be.  I don’t want to be scared. I don’t want to live out of fear. I want to grab life by the horns for the ride that gives happiness in abundance.. I don’t know what this next year, next decade, next day will bring but… I’m grateful because

YOLO.. 

Till next time,

~arianna

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Caring

Lately, I’ve come to explore the art of caring and the dynamics of which established relationships produce the mutual feeling of loving one another through acts of kindness.  My Master had a surgery a few weeks ago. He had to get almost 30 stitches to close the wound this resulted in a lot of pain and many uncomfortable and long nights of sleeping in the recliner when the bed wasn’t an option for him. For the week that he had to sleep upright, I was right next to him on the couch. This wasn’t something he required but something that I had no thought of not doing because I am here to serve and through serving I have the opportunity of caring. 

Can there be servitude without caring? I believe so. This would be based more through serving from fear of retribution then for the personal reward of giving happiness to those who were served. Thankfully, I do not serve out of fear. I serve because my Master has my respect and has given much to see me through. He was there for me when others failed to understand, maybe not through lack of caring but through ignorance or denial.. 

Caring, the word that can engulf a lifetime of selfless acts and self reflection. To say, “I care”, should not be thrown into the wind. The importance in this fast paced world to slow down and really empathize with another.. 

Could we say that caring may be just as important as loving? If our life is affected then we should care, but what about when circumstances don’t affect you but you still show you care. I think that’s when the true identity of self kicks in. It’s much harder to care when our life’s schedule is unaffected. We would have to step out of the box and extend ourselves. Being a slave, my thoughts alone, I am solely focused on my Master. Others come second. He is my family, my friend, my husband, my team, my back up, trusted companion, and my owner. I guess too, that’s where I differentiate from a lot of others. We live in an owner/property mentality not only of Master and slave.. the difference? For myself, it’s a little more formal, strict, final. 

But, back to caring. I think that caring comes in all shapes and forms. I am pretty selfish when it comes down to it. I’m not going to deny it. I’m selfless in my One whom I have devoted my life to but would that be totally true? I feel indebted so I must have gotten a benefit from my servitude. Of course Master gives a ton of himself, daily, hourly. So.. could I really say that I’m selfless in my servitude.. I reckon not. 

Looking back over my life, I am looking out for those who are important to me.  I am caring but only to a select few. I care about some causes and such. But truly evaluating the core of my devotions and I come up with selfish reasons. I am no Sister Mary. Is that easy to say? It’s not hard because I’m not here to take judgement to heart. I’m here because it helps me work through some of my thinking. I enjoy reading others blogs although sometimes I am a quiet bystander. We are all human, one common ground. Some of us more caring then others. It’s all on a continuum, A sliding scale and circumstantial in nature. 

There’s no huge ah ha moment here. Just a steady train of thinking before bed. 

Thank you and have a good night. 

~arianna

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