So as I sit here at work I realize that overall the year was an emotional roller coaster.
Right now I’m going through another medication change. My second one this year. This time though I’m being weaned off of a medication and it’s being replaced by another one. This sucks because when the older medication worked it worked great but with each new manufacturer of the medicine my body responds differently. So every three months it’s a crap shoot of if it’s going to work again. You might wonder why not just get the non-generic. I thought of that too but as of July 19 the patent ran out so now everyone and their mother is replicating it and there is no more BRAND name being produced. It’s also the most popular anti-anxiety medication out on the market in the US and is in short supply. So every three months my pharmacy fills it with whatever manufacturer has them available. This is wreaking havoc in my life. I’ll be stable then go into a tailspin. So, my doctor is trying something different. But meanwhile as I’m being weaned off of the older medication I’m having side effects. One is absurd and weird nightmares. Yesterday during my nap I dreamt that there was a mallet made out of sharp needles that I used to pound 8 puppies to death. I mean really?? I woke up balling my eyes out.
If you know me, I’m not an angry person. Even in my dream it wasn’t out of anger but like a necessary thing to do. It was horrible.
I feel bad for Master because he has to go through all this with me. Usually, I’m able to be a highly functioning person but there are just some days like yesterday that even make a strong person bend at their knees. I’m not writing this for pity. Not by far. I’m writing this so that I can look back on it and remember how far I’ve come and where I’ve been. I want the focus to be on my Master but it seems like it’s been on trying to live securely with as much stability as possible.
I’m hoping the transition will only be another month at the most. Maybe then I can get back to my normal self. My normal. Which I define not through others but by my own relativity.
So happy holidays everyone. We will be celebrating the new year at club secrets. Should be fun.
Til next year.