2am ponderings

It really is the middle of the night but I seem to be wide awake. My alarm for work will go off in a little more then an hour. This allows me just enough time to enter a new, long overdue blog.

My Master Vile is snoring next to me. I’ve been cruising Fet and pondering about myself and my dynamic. See, I thought that with some changes that were made in August that I would be more in a rhythm of life. I’ve been trying to ‘get on track’, so to speak. I’ve been a little off kilter for the better part of a year, or I may be realizing for more then that? That is part of my pondering. I’m trying to determine exactly what is going on and not going on.

Overall, my life is still great. My dynamic with Master Vile is great. I’m just a little?? Hard to find the word. I know there’s areas to be improved but I find myself going through the motions most days. Then weeks go by and before you know it a month is gone. I know part of it is work. I work full time outside the home. I’ve been at my career with the same company for almost 20 years. The company has been going through some rough patches and job morale is at an all time low. So, my coworkers are burnt out and unhappy. I think I carry that with me when I come home too.

I celebrated my 43rd birthday by taking my Master to visit my most favorite place, Sedona, Arizona. We had a great time but realized that high elevations are not conducive to the health of my Master. He had a hard time adjusting and is now fighting off a bout of pneumonia. He’s on the mend. He went to the doctor and with some meds and rest he’s healing.

Next weekend, we are attending the Florida Power Exchange conference. It’ll be the first lifestyle conference that I’ll be attending. We went to it several years ago but I promptly got a stomach bug the first day and we had to depart early without having a chance to partake of any of the classes.

For those of you that have followed my Master and I, you will remember that I’m taking medication for depression and Bipolar. I’m in the slow process of a medication adjustment because I feel too numb. So far, there has been some improvement like writing a blog again. I enjoy writing but haven’t found anything I felt worth sharing as of late. My ponderings have been absent until now, but writing again is great because it’s a sign of feeling and thinking again. We just have to make sure that the adjustment is slow enough to allow time to contemplate whether or not the adjustment is having a positive outcome or not.

So, what exactly am I pondering? I’m trying to envision my ideal life. I’d like to be more in control of time instead of being a victim to it. I do waste a lot of time with superficial things. Technology has a way of distracting us from our authentic selves. What brings meaning to my life? Learning, writing, and serving would be the top three but not necessarily in that order. Serving I’d like for it to be first but lately my heart just hasn’t been in the present. My life revolves around serving but not meaningful servitude. I’m going through the motions but the passion is missing. Hence, one reason for the medication adjustment. The numbness has taken a first class seat on my flight of life and it’s hard to conquer when it may be chemically induced. I’m thinking that we are taking positive steps because here I am, back on my blog.

My blog is not just a pet project. It’s really not there for anybody but me but I have found that by making it public it creates a connection from me to the world. It allows me the opportunity to share experiences and thoughts that would normally stay hidden. It keeps me true to myself because I’m a horrible liar. It would take too much work to not be authentic.

I have found that through writing my thoughts I can hash out my inner workings. I can look back over a blog some time later and see that I wasn’t as much of a mess as my mind led me to believe. That I’m more normal then I might realize. That I’m not an anomaly. Lol. We all share in this human experience. My struggles represent a large portion of societies struggles. Your struggles can coincide with thousands of others around the world. We are experiencing life and creating it at the same time. I, myself, find comfort in the fact that I’m not alone in my thinking. I’m not trying to say that misery loves company because I wouldn’t describe myself as miserable at all. I would describe myself as partaking in this life. Feeling or numbness, I’m still here. I like thinking. I like feeling as long as those feelings don’t overpower my will to thrive.

That’s about it for now. I’m hoping to be here more often because writing is something that brings me contentment.

Thank you for listening.


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12 Responses to 2am ponderings

  1. I think we all go through times when we feel numb and a little lost. Being able to voice that is so important. You have such a great support system there full of understanding and love. You will find what you’re missing. 💜💜

  2. Let me reassure you that you are NOT alone. The feeling of being the only one can be crushing. We aren’t meant to be happy all the time. Ride this drop in your life wave and be ready surf the hell out of it when you rise again.

  3. Kathy L says:


    Everyone feels that way so you are not alone. Glad to see you writing again. It helps to write even though it’s nothing more than how you feel or how the day went. Hope the adjustment helps.


  4. Xtac says:

    Happy but missing something. Have you tried meditation?

    • vilesarianna says:

      Me and meditation have a weird relationship. Long story but I got really deep into metaphysical, alternative medicine, and alternative states of mind. Meditating to the point that I could literally see auras around trees. Not long after that, I had my nervous breakdown that changed everything in my world both externally and internally. I have triggers now from certain situations so since then I’ve shyed away from altering my state of mind even if it is through relaxation.
      I am putting together the back porch into a nice sitting area and when my anxiety is under control I’m able to sit and do a few things that bring me satisfaction. Thank you for your comment. I’m a work in progress.

      • Xtac says:

        What you describe is very much like the main character in the book “The art of motorcycle maintenance”. I feel like you got really got close to something good only to never go back. I don’t know if I should be happy or sad about it.

        I do know that the closer we get to that something the more the universe tests us, giving us more and more karma to burn. Sounds like you were overwhelmed. Hugs! – if Viles permits of course..

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