Nevermore

Never ever is Such a definitive term. Could we possibly say never? I mean for some things, obviously, for like murder but…. Could we even for that? I mean circumstances can pop up, self defense? There are certain lines that most do not cross but in making decisions I believe we should be gentler in our judgment. 

You could say, I’d never steal but what if your child was hungry and the only way to put food on the table was to shoplift every once in a while? What if you say, I would never give up fighting for my own life no matter what the circumstance, and then realize that the pain from a terminal illness was not only destroying you but those around you? Would you surrender then?

There are a million and one possibilities. I always look back in forgiveness of another and think that they made the best decision they could at that time. Hindsight is a oxymoronic gift. I made that word up according to my spell check.. Lol..

Looking back for example at my mom and I growing up, there were decisions she made out of desperation. Decisions that were a betrayal of my trust of a parent’s responsibility to keep theirs safe. She dated/religiously married an alcoholic. He was abusive verbally and some physical. Between his binges he was good but then the binges came and he would turn. I cannot tell you how many times we lost our place to live every time. He lost his job and disappeared for weeks. We moved over 15 times in a span of 8 years. But that was something that wasn’t uncommon for me even before he came into our lives.  

At one point he, thankfully, unsuccessfully tried to rape me when I was 11 or 12. I was able to get away from his grip. My mom wasnt home at the time but I told her when she got home. They fought. He left but was back within a couple months. Then there was the time that he was sitting on our front porch, with a box cutter blade in his hand. He started slicing his arm trying to get my moms pity. All I saw was blood. I was 12. I started screaming. Police were called by the neighbors and they chased him into the back woods behind the house.. He ended up being ok.he Was taken into custody. I don’t remember him being around too much after that. Shortly after, my mom started chemo for leukemia. That’s another story in itself. 

Im not saying this because I want pity. We all have our stories mine are no worse then the next.  But sometimes its hard for me to get her thinking. Im the person I am because of my past circumstances so I ended up turning out ok, at least that’s what the voices in my head tell me.   Lol. 

I think overall she was desperate. She came from a sexually abusive situation growing up and a mother who despised her. It was a screwed up situation. I think the alcoholic gave her love and the only chaotic stability she’d known. I could be totally off base but I believe that she’s not an inherently bad person. In the beginning of the blog I asked if you would steal food to feed your child. She did. I was 6 when she got caught. Luckily, the grocery store didn’t turn her in. Thank god. She was a struggling single mom without a college degree waitressing to get a roof over our heads. So.. Before you befall judgment there are always back stories. Most do not make the decisions we think they should but we don’t have their health, their past, their life. 

I remember walking down the road with my mom to nowhere, after a fight they had.  I got to pack my school stuff, clean underwear and my bed time stuffed rabbit. We were then officially homeless. Thankfully, a women on her way home from church spotted us and opened her home to us for the next 6 months. This stranger turned into my moms best friend and ally. She has since died from breast cancer but she’ll always have a special place in my heart. 

So. “I’d never ever do that” is a strong statement. Honestly, we don’t know what we’d never do. Be careful what you put out into the universe.  The negative focus is still a focus to the universe.  The energy is still expended.  Better to concentrate on what you want to bring into your life instead of what you don’t want or are fearful of. We create more then we can imagine. Im creating forgiveness and choosing to believe the good that people have. 

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10 Responses to Nevermore

  1. littleannab says:

    Beautifully said my dear

  2. Beautifully stated deep from the heart. You are a survivor, a fighter, and a believer in yourself. Gifts and lessons that your mother passed on to you. Never is a powerful word, but when seen and used, in positive ways, it becomes a pathway to success. Never say can’t, never give up, and most importantly, never stop believing in yourself. Hugs Arianna!

  3. littleone says:

    That really hits home to me. Thank you for sharing your thoughts!

  4. dannie1955 says:

    “The good that people have” I met someone who is in a relationship like yours. We became good friends. She showed good values, had a hard life and was having a difficult time financially, so I helped her. It turned out to be a classic con. It hurts tremendously. I have a dimmer view of the world now.

  5. Xtac says:

    I can frequently be heard to say this at work: Never say never when computers are involved…

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