My brother emailed this baby pic of me a couple days ago. It’s one I’ve never seen, which was taken at the hospital.

Looking at it was strange, made me think of this 40 year journey I’ve been on. The same big question when looking at the newborns of today. Who knows the journey each individual will take?  It’s kind of like standing at the edge of the ocean wondering if someone on the other side is looking back thinking the same thing.  I remember doing that when I was young. I would spend hours just staring at the horizon of the Atlantic. I could almost project myself out of my current situation and fly to lands I’ve yet to visit. I digress. lol

So, back to the pic. Looking at it, there’s so much potential, so much greatness held in a tiny frame, so much to learn. I’m not being conceited, I think there’s the potential for greatness as long as there is breath left. I kind of feel questionable about whether I’m disappointed in myself or not.. disappointed is a strong word, maybe not the right one. Let me think….. Let’s put it this way, I wonder if the same decisions would be made if I could’ve seen myself as a newborn and asked her? Let me explain… not that a newborn knows the secrets of life but children are not tainted. They believe in purity, they are purity. So, how would my life be changed if I had no fear of failure, if I had no trepidation of falling, if I did not carry around past hurt that makes me question my own beliefs? No, a newborn hasn’t acquired that luggage. Would she be excited to live this 40 years or would she want to crawl back in the womb?

I know this is a little deep. 😉 but… I always have been. I’ve been a loner. I remember being in second grade and staring out at the corn fields of Ohio as I was riding in the school bus, sitting by myself, and just deep in thought. Wondering how magnificent the stalks sway and if they knew of their impending doom, when the harvest came? Did the corn revel in giving children cover on a starry filled night of hide-n-seek? Such pondering for a 7 year old. 

Could I possibly explain to my newborn self the peaceful feeling she would get when everything just clicked or the despair of having life turned upside down and inside out? Could she possibly comprehend the thrill of skydiving or the beauty of Sedona? Would she want to try even though the seriousness of life would sometimes get the best of her? Would she smile at her first love even though the rejection would follow? Mostly, would she forgive me of my shortcomings? 

I would want the best for her and seeing this picture reminds me that I need to be gentler with myself, for her and I are one. 


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4 Responses to Remember when

  1. OMG, that’s so beautiful. And yes, I agree, I think you do need to be gentler on yourself, for both your sakes, for she is still within you.

    • vilesarianna says:

      Thank you.. I appreciate that coming from you. Well coming from anyone but it’s special to me that you appreciate it because you are such an integral part of my (our) life…

  2. Selina says:

    Ok yes it was deep but it was deep in a great way! And of course you were a pretty cute baby LOL

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