October 2016 update

Yesterday was my Master’s birthday.. it was nice. We rang it at midnight while we were at Busch gardens, tampa. They have a scary Halloween celebration called Howl-o-scream. We went through six haunted houses. One was awesome. It is called deep water bayou with a Louisiana theme.. I screamed.  We went with another lifestyle couple and our threesome. 

Yesterday, I made homemade cake and frosting.. it’s delicious. Chocolate with chocolate. The icing is butter based.  I don’t use as much sugar as what it calls for, so it’s more of a dark chocolate flavor. The recipe can be found on some of the Hershey’s unsweetened cocoa powder boxes.. 

Our two week trial with my lifestyle sister went really well.. and it went by really quickly. We didn’t get a chance to do a lot of the stuff we wanted to. It was fun though. Not smothering but not lonely either. 

Master has been battling a severe sinus infection for the past month. Doctors, doctors, and did I mention doctors. Lol.. we went to see our primary then a specialist then back to our primary. Basically, between the ER and several antibiotics and other prescriptions we have found that doctors can be stupid. They are contradicting each other. But…. I think he’s on the mend now. Maybe one more appointment with a new specialist but maybe not. So, that has been occupying our time. It’s terrible when a person is so sick and trying so hard. There’s only so much I can do to make him feel better, just make his life as comfortable as possible. 

We faired very well through hurricane Matthew. We were lucky. It stayed off the Florida coast but we were prepared regardless. 

I was in a weird mood today. Listening to music. Listening to “our” songs. You know, the songs that are so instrumental through different periods of your life. So I was remembering and feeling and digesting the meaning of events. Even hind sight in some situations doesn’t help me to see what the hell.. actually it was only one particular song that was haunting me. A song I used To define my time with my first Master. “Wild One” by Flo rida.   Yes I spelled it right, there is a space.. lol..  kind of a coincidence. 

My definition of BDSM was in its infancy. The giddy new sub feeling was really strong. I threw all caution to the wind and fully submitted to the first domly dominant guy that nurtured my strong need for attention. I was so so lucky that I didn’t get damaged, physically or psychologically. Although, I had a twisted view of what a doms care was like. I’m NOT a masochist but put myself in that role by joining up with a sadist. I endured because the aftercare was something I craved. Didn’t realize there were different forms of submission. Didn’t realize that I could live with a Master who could care without Pain. I thought the two were inseparable. I didn’t know about safe words. I only hoped that that first Dom would realize when I was at the end of enduring. So through my tears and pleading eyes, he would release the clothespins from my labia and the excruciating pain would follow. But…. after, he would hug me. I mean, in my very young lifestyle mind, I thought that all Doms/Masters were standoffish and kept their feelings hidden. The stoic postures, the unforgiving rules,  The demands, the chains, the nakedness, the utter submission that was so trusting for the wrong reasons. 

I’m not saying that there are not rules because there are. They are for the benefit of both of us.. I’m not saying that my current Master shows all his hidden feelings because he doesn’t but there’s a trust that he would truly listen to my concerns and I’m here for him also.. I’m not saying that my Master isn’t a steadfast man because he is and he’s consistent in his actions. I’m not saying that there isn’t nakedness but there’s a care there that allows for a cold slave to be covered in the chilly parts of the seasons. I’m not saying that there isn’t a pure submission because there is but this time it was given through respect and not fear. I feared my first Master so much that before getting on the airplane to fly to visit him during my weekly weekend visits I would cry. Actually, ball my eyes out sometimes because I didn’t want to go.. but I kept going back because parts of me were being fulfilled, the emptiness wasn’t so deep when I was with him. I felt I had a purpose in what I felt was a useless life. I was depressed and serving gave me a reason to go forward. Living through someone else kept me putting one foot in front of the other, although I truly believed the life he had me living was better then what I could’ve given myself at the time. Maybe? Maybe not?

I digress.  Lol… so I was haunted by this song today until I found it again. Listened to it a few times until those feelings disappeared into the background. So, now I can release that and enjoy the song for the meaning it had but does not continue to hold me to that time. 

So…. here I am. Digesting. Maybe I should take pepto?  Lol..

Have an awesome evening. 

~arianna

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4 Responses to October 2016 update

  1. Happy birthday to Vile. Glad he is on the mend. Glad you all survived unscathed.

  2. Xtac says:

    What a beautiful piece! I simply love the introspection about your first Master. The part where you cried and yet got on the plane, where you didn’t want to go but did. I get this, and it evokes so many thoughts and feelings. Many simply do not understand how deeply we can feel a need to be who and what we are. Your words fairly scream of that need. Its a point to be proud of, that you endured so much to find yourself. And of course you should be equally content to have that search rewarded by a Master who fulfills those needs so well. This is a brilliant view into what it can be like when we have needs that run so deep.

  3. So I’m thinking about where you’ve been and where you are now. Where once you endured, now you flourish. Where once you acted out of fear, now you do because you have respect. I’m hoping the emptiness you once felt is gone too, because you have people who love and care for you.

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