Its so funny looking back five years ago. I didn’t know what a sadist was or a masochist. I never heard of BDSM and never even considered that a different life existed outside my little vanilla World..
So, I was introduced to the lifestyle by chance. I was going through a very rough separation and ultimately a divorce. I was looking for love in all the wrong places, desperate to find a place of peace, thinking that for sure another guy would be able to offer it. So, while cruising through the local pick up ads , I came across something interesting. Something that touched me to the core.
I don’t remember what exactly the ad read but. It promised a place where one would be used, needed, wanted and I soooo wanted to fill that role. I needed to feel needed. I had put myself in such turmoil and was unloved by myself that I craved someone, anyone to love me.
It started with a reply, that led to emails, that led to phone calls but ultimately we departed ways before meeting. He was mysterious, he challenged me to think when all I wanted to do was to disappear and escape my pain. I thought that this new thing that might be offered would enable me to do that. I told him that I wanted to be sexually used and to be owned for his desires. Only when he replied that he didn’t want a cum dump did I realize that this world might be so much more then I had experienced in my sheltered life. In that moment, I knew that I was so naive to think that he would ever want a mess like me. I didn’t deserve what he was talking about, a life of respect.
Time past. About 6 months. My life started to take another turn, I was climbing out of my hole. Well, still remaining extraordinarily codependent. ( don’t think that any amount of counseling can get that out of me). I just started living in my own place. My very own. You’d think that I would take a breather- heal, but nope. I was at it again but this time, I was looking for something different. I wanted to fill someone else’s desires. I made a profile on a BDSM personals website. I got plenty of responses, mostly from predators. I was lucky though. I didn’t get hurt. This was a scary time looking back. So many scary events that could have led to many bad outcomes. You see, I didn’t read. I didn’t ask questions. I didn’t explore. I knelt down to a man that I thought had my best interests in mind. He may have cared, in his own way. He cared enough for me to stick around for 8 months. I started questioning though. When he didn’t allow for me to explore or ask questions then stuff started not jiving. I started to feel unsettled and unsatisfied. I ultimately left him, to his disapproval. I broke the verbal contract. I was too be his until Dec 31st. I cut that short by about 2 and a half months. Ooops.
So, I never attended munches or meetings or even found fetlife. I was very green even after being owned for 8 months. But.. I was hooked. There was no turning back. I thrived in a controlled environment. I needed to be controlled, restrained, and ordered. It gave my life meaning. 2 months later, I met my Master and my world expanded.
So… That’s when I knew.