One year ago tomorrow my step dad passed away. You can read about it on my July 27th, 2014, blog. ‘Until death do us part’, parts one and two.
I’m not on here saying that to get attention. It’s an observation. My mom is going through a rough time with it. She’s headed to the coast in the am to get away from the house for a couple days. Me, I’m quietly observing my feelings and contemplating on whether that’s playing a part of my melancholy today. I left work 4 hours early and just have been , off, all day.
I’m also thinking about my service to Master and how that should and does determine who I am and what I do.
For those that follow, the kinky world of vile, you may know that I am an emotional being with severe ups and downs. Bipolar and depression, although my ups are not as severe as I’ve heard others have. My worst was a severe and horrific break lasting most of the end half of 2010. It was 5 years ago but still haunts me. Something happened to my persona, my deep seeded beliefs and I came out of it a different person. It actually lasted a couple years of grasping and trying to determine who I was after my world crashed down around me. I had to stay from square one. I had to reinvent myself. The only thing that stayed the same was my job. Thankfully. At the time I didn’t care. I didn’t care about much. Actually I didn’t care about anything besides trying my hardest not to be by myself. I took drastic measures to be in a relationship. Any relationship. That prolonged the mania. I was unstable for 3 years. Grasping. Desperate. I’m not proud of the decisions I made. They haunt me in dreams sometimes, years later.
Its those mornings after the emotional dreams that try to unravel me that I have to recenter myself. It’s terribly difficult. Master vile helps tremendously with the stability and consistency, love and care he provides.
I don’t mean to go into a whoas is me story. I’m well aware that people make bad choices and everyone has their hard times. My hard times are no worse then the next persons. But.. it does get me thinking sometimes.
Back in March in one of my ‘up’ times I applied to the University of Florida to continue my education. Advancing my associates degree to a bachelor’s degree in environmental management in agriculture and natural resources. It’s an online program but receiving a very real degree. I found out I was accepted about a week ago. But I’m not celebrating. I’m actually contemplating my life and what it truly means to serve my Master. Master encourages me to think and weigh the pros and cons.. we’ve talked. He wants me to come to my own conclusion and to really think about how my life and his would be affected.
Before 2010, I would have been excited at all the doors that could open, about expanding my world but now… I like my world. I didn’t need a bubble back then. I was adventurous throwing caution to the wind, exploring avenues without fear. Now though, I’m more conserved. I’m cautious. I’m protected. I really don’t have a need to expand. I’m different. Those few months of utter depression and the months that followed changed my core. I’m careful now and contemplative. Being in a Master/slave relationship is perfect for me because I don’t have to feel the pressure. I don’t need to decide how I want my life. I just focus on One. That sounds destructive to some but a Savior to me.
Even after Master and I became Master and slave things were Rocky with my emotions until the trust was fully formed. I didn’t accept his collar when he asked the first time because for me the collar was forever and I didn’t trust myself enough to make such a big decision when the previous 2 years I utterly destroyed almost everything that was dear to me due to my decisions and following my unstable emotions. So… I was trying to learn my lesson from mistakes and not jump in when forever was on the line. We married and I was collared a few months later. We married because my submission was complete but the collaring was to signify the solidity of our togetherness.
Where am I going with this? In a round about way, no where. I’m here, sitting with my ruffled emotions. Thinking about my step dad, my mom, my past, my decision about school, my service, my Master, my bubble and my need to feel protected. I feel like this is again one of those times where my emotions may make my life start to reel. I’m floundering. Fluttering. Flopping and gasping for air.
My saving grace though is Master. That’s quite a bit too put on one person. But… He likes my reliance on him. He welcomes it. He’s not a control freak. He is my consistency that I need. He is a beacon in my dark emotions, a light in my engulfing tunnel and a rock in my ocean of uncertainty.
So.. in short, I am observing my emotions. Trying to take them for what they are. Fleeting thoughts that need not stay. Strangers in passing with a hint of a secret but not welcomed to stay. There is a glimmer and he is sitting next to me.