Observations

One year ago tomorrow my step dad passed away. You can read about it on my July 27th, 2014, blog. ‘Until death do us part’, parts one and two.

I’m not on here saying that to get attention. It’s an observation. My mom is going through a rough time with it. She’s headed to the coast in the am to get away from the house for a couple days. Me, I’m quietly observing my feelings and contemplating on whether that’s playing a part of my melancholy today. I left work 4 hours early and just have been , off, all day.

I’m also thinking about my service to Master and how that should and does determine who I am and what I do.

For those that follow, the kinky world of vile, you may know that I am an emotional being with severe ups and downs. Bipolar and depression, although my ups are not as severe as I’ve heard others have. My worst was a severe and horrific break lasting most of the end half of 2010. It was 5 years ago but still haunts me. Something happened to my persona, my deep seeded beliefs and I came out of it a different person. It actually lasted a couple years of grasping and trying to determine who I was after my world crashed down around me. I had to stay from square one. I had to reinvent myself. The only thing that stayed the same was my job. Thankfully. At the time I didn’t care. I didn’t care about much. Actually I didn’t care about anything besides trying my hardest not to be by myself. I took drastic measures to be in a relationship. Any relationship. That prolonged the mania. I was unstable for 3 years. Grasping. Desperate. I’m not proud of the decisions I made. They haunt me in dreams sometimes, years later.
Its those mornings after the emotional dreams that try to unravel me that I have to recenter myself. It’s terribly difficult. Master vile helps tremendously with the stability and consistency, love and care he provides.

I don’t mean to go into a whoas is me story. I’m well aware that people make bad choices and everyone has their hard times. My hard times are no worse then the next persons. But.. it does get me thinking sometimes.

Back in March in one of my ‘up’ times I applied to the University of Florida to continue my education. Advancing my associates degree to a bachelor’s degree in environmental management in agriculture and natural resources. It’s an online program but receiving a very real degree. I found out I was accepted about a week ago. But I’m not celebrating. I’m actually contemplating my life and what it truly means to serve my Master.  Master encourages me to think and weigh the pros and cons.. we’ve talked. He wants me to come to my own conclusion and to really think about how my life and his would be affected.
Before 2010, I would have been excited at all the doors that could open, about expanding my world but now… I like my world. I didn’t need a bubble back then. I was adventurous throwing caution to the wind, exploring avenues without fear. Now though, I’m more conserved. I’m cautious. I’m protected. I really don’t have a need to expand. I’m different. Those few months of utter depression and the months that followed changed my core. I’m careful now and contemplative. Being in a Master/slave relationship is perfect for me because I don’t have to feel the pressure. I don’t need to decide how I want my life. I just focus on One. That sounds destructive to some but a Savior to me.

Even after Master and I became Master and slave things were Rocky with my emotions until the trust was fully formed. I didn’t accept his collar when he asked the first time because for me the collar was forever and I didn’t trust myself enough to make such a big decision when the previous 2 years I utterly destroyed almost everything that was dear to me due to my decisions and following my unstable emotions. So… I was trying to learn my lesson from mistakes and not jump in when forever was on the line. We married and I was collared a few months later. We married because my submission was complete but the collaring was to signify the solidity of our togetherness.

Where am I going with this? In a round about way, no where. I’m here, sitting with my ruffled emotions. Thinking about my step dad, my mom, my past, my decision about school, my service, my Master, my bubble and my need to feel protected. I feel like this is again one of those times where my emotions may make my life start to reel. I’m floundering. Fluttering. Flopping and gasping for air.
My saving grace though is Master. That’s quite a bit too put on one person. But… He likes my reliance on him. He welcomes it. He’s not a control freak. He is my consistency that I need. He is a beacon in my dark emotions, a light in my engulfing tunnel and a rock in my ocean of uncertainty.

So.. in short, I am observing my emotions. Trying to take them for what they are. Fleeting thoughts that need not stay. Strangers in passing with a hint of a secret but not welcomed to stay. There is a glimmer and he is sitting next to me. 

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11 Responses to Observations

  1. Faith, trust, and pixie dust says:

    Emotions suck ass sometimes it’s just one of those natural things. There are days where I just need to cry. They just happen. Loss is a part of mourning. Even after years and years I still cry over those who I love deeply who are gone. As far as being emotional goes, it’s perfectly fine sweetie. Don’t you think Mr Vile loves that you entrust him enough with all of you?? I imagine that is what makes him happy. To have you completely in and out. Hugs I am sorry for both yours and your family’s loss.

  2. Kathy Lewis says:

    Arianna, that was so beautiful. So glad you have Your Master that will be there to be your rock, your center to keep you focused. I understand what you were trying to convey. Thank you for sharing.

  3. Pingback: Your Slave Is Your Property | thekinkyworldofvile

  4. dievca says:

    You are just thinking Life through. I (and many people) “get it”. We are thinking Life through, too. It is always good to grow with education – even if you don’t “need”, you become a more well-rounded person. Many people have degrees they don’t use, but those moments uncover facets of you. In the end do what works for you and your Master — you are a wonderful person either way. An education or the lack of education does not make you. Your behavior in treating others makes you.

    • vilesarianna says:

      Thank you. I do understand that an education doesn’t Determine who I am. I’m trying to determine if the time I would have to invest would ultimately be a distraction In my focus of serving my Master. I’m thinking that this may be a common consideration in subs and slaves who dedicate their lives to One.
      Have a great weekend.

  5. Reblogged this on thekinkyworldofvile and commented:
    This is something my slave blogged about it really hit home..

  6. I have been thinking about you since I started reading this entry (but was unable to finish until today). I hope you are having a better day today, and it is great that you are allowing yourself to feel your emotions and think them through. It reminds you that you are alive and have feelings ❤ You are very lucky to have found such a wonderful Master and he is just as lucky to have you. I worry a lot that my education (I have 3 more years for my PharmD) will get in the way of mine and Daddy's relationship but he knew it was something I wanted to finish and wouldn't let me walk away from it. I know from experience that just because a program is online does not mean it is any easier. The change and restructure of your routine might be the hardest thing for you but in the time I have been getting to know you, you seem like a very strong woman with a great support system. You know what your Master needs, and if you plan accordingly I think you can juggle school and your relationship 🙂 But like your Master said, it is a decision you have to come to on your own. You have to think about how you will feel when it is all done with. Will you be proud of your accomplishment or will it not matter either way? Are you ready for the change and the extra discipline and time management that comes with it? No matter what you choose to do, you are an amazing person and will continue to grow and be a better you each day 😀

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