until death do us part

I wonder how many couples still use those vows, until death do us part. 

As I’m sitting here, watching my dad slowly breathe his last breaths,  I’m wondering about changing those black and white vows to include more Grey areas.  Like,  love me through my end stages as you watch me die slowly. Death has many faces.  There are those quick ones,  unexpected passings or the arduous letting go by slowly losing one’s faculties. 

My dad is part of the latter.  He has been slowly losing a battle with emphysema. I’ve been able to visit my parents every week for the past several weeks. I’m lucky that my job is extremely understanding and I’m able to take vacation days at a moments notice.  My parents only live an hour away so when my mom called me last night and told me how his condition had deteriorated I dropped everything and went there.  

So here I am.  Sitting in his bedroom,  watching his last breaths. Why oh why am I writing a blog right now.  It’s because it helps to get my feelings out.  

I’m not going to write about his strength of character or how he had been a pillar in my life.  But instead I’ll write on a more general level of how weird life can be. I mean the actual physical living part.  It’s a miracle but at the same time one might wonder why the body just doesn’t let go. 

I’m going not to try be depressing but it’s in these pivotal moments of life that one wonders about their own legacy. How will people remember him?  Its in the pivotal moments in life that a person can cement those impressions that will last a lifetime. Or it can be in a tiny thing that a person had done that defined them. 

When the memorial comes along,  what should I say? How can I portray to the masses that he was a gentle soul.  I never saw his anger.  He has a quiet strength. A steady strength.  We didn’t have the typical dad/daughter relationship.  He married my mom when I was 15. I moved from my patents house at 17.  So the day to day communication was not there.  He told me 2 weeks ago that he regretted not being closer to me. I was his only daughter per se. He was my dad through marriage but a good dad. At least in my life. Do I have regrets?  No.  I’d say not. 

I would say that I feel honored to be available and able to watch him at this stage. It’s not a glorious stage by far.  There is nothing glorious about dying in this manner but it leads to its own testament that he hung on till Friday.  Now,  he’s barely able to attain consciousness.  Only fleeting micro seconds where we may be able to get a slight head shake in response to our one limited question,  are you hurting? 

Yes. Life has a way of being brought down to the simplest form at the very end.  I’m sure he’s almost on auto pilot. His body is fighting or maybe it’s his mind. Regardless there’s a part of him that’s beginning to let go. It’s not really a defeat but a triumph of dignity.  Although one may not think it’s dignified to lose all faculties and be bed bound unconscious but ina way it can be seen as nothing but the purest form of sacrifice because he’s allowing me to rise to the occasion and define my own legacy by being by his side.  The devotion of a daughter to her dad. Now,  isn’t that the greatest sacrifice.  

I love you dad. Thank you for your many years of guidance.  Good bye and ill see you on the other side. 

Advertisements
This entry was posted in Living as Master & Slave. Bookmark the permalink.

23 Responses to until death do us part

  1. dievca says:

    Oh Arianna. Beautiful! I am so glad that you can be there. It helps EVERYONE. Sometimes it is the simple, gentle touches that mean the most and your Father touched you. I can hear it. Sending a hug.

  2. Cinnamon says:

    Hugs sweetie. I wish you both peace. xx

  3. Very beautiful. I love you.

  4. mel says:

    My thoughts and prayers are with you and yours, Arianna. You are a beautiful soul.

  5. lisazee says:

    Such eloquent words. You are a very strong woman. I posted to you on Vile’s blog as well. My mom had dementia and losing her was a slow process but the day it happened I just knew and I was with her as you are with your dad. I’m praying for you and you’re family. May your dad find peace.

  6. Arianna. There is something special in the last moments of someone’s life. It is an honor I think to be there and see them finally give into the one thing we have been pleading with them to take.

    Hugs to you and your family at this time. Wish you peace. Xxxxx

  7. MCH says:

    I wish you all the good things that life can bring to you, Arianna, we are thinking of you and hope that your dad’s transition over will be an easy and comfortable one during this difficult time, You’re a good daughter Arianna, and a better wife! Peace and best wishes!…m

  8. Arianna….Sir and I send much love to you. It’s always hard to say goodbye, but knowing they will no longer suffer brings you a sense of peace. We will keep you in our thoughts and prayers.

    Sending you love and hugs, Sir Tom Wolf and Mynx

  9. BoPeep says:

    Arianna, you have so eloquently expressed your love for your Dad here, it is beautiful to read. I’d pull some of this for the memorial if you can. I wish you didn’t have to say goodby quite so soon, but I hope you have some solace in being able to spend his last moments with him.
    I do hope your father passes quietly and gently.
    Best to you and Vile
    Peep

  10. Carrie says:

    Sending hugs.

  11. This is just beautiful. What a wonderful tribute to your father and a testament to your own beautiful soul. I’ll bet he is beaming on the other side.

  12. Franco Bolli says:

    Beautiful and so touching.
    Hugs, Princess and Franco

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s