She Space

I have a little space. One that I can use when needed and it’s coming together quite nicely. We call it my She Room. It’s the back enclosed porch. It’s under the roof of the house and is encased with vinyl windows. So although it doesn’t have a vent for the AC/ Heater I can open the sliding door and plug in the portable heater. In the coming summer months, I would like to get a portable AC unit or just turn the ceiling fan on high with the door to the house open.

In Florida, 60 degrees to us is chilly so I’m sitting in my She chair with the heater humming next to me. This evening I moved books around and filled up my bookcase we purchased through Facebook a couple weeks ago. I also have a desk and chair for times when I want to study. The room has an undertone of a peacock theme. My mom bought Master two peacock statues but they are just too pretty to be put outside in the elements. So, they are taking up residence in my she room.

There is still a ways to go but I’m pretty content with where it is right now. It’s a process and a journey that I don’t mind taking.

Now, Master is able to come and explore my She Space at anytime and I welcome that. Some mornings we sit and have coffee out here. In my vanilla life, prior to Master, I always had a place to contemplate, write and just be. A place where I wasn’t thinking about all the To-Do things and my responsibilities. The She Space is a place where I can be surrounded by the things that I love. A soothing peaceful place.

I’m an emotional high maintenance woman. Although I don’t need material things, I do need quiet time. I need time to recharge and just Be. So this space allows that. And for that I am grateful to Him for allowing the space and time.

We had a good New Year’s Eve celebration and still have tomorrow left before starting the work week Saturday.

I wish to all of you joy, peace and love everyday of 2020.

Thank you

~ arianna

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2019 A Chapter Closing

So as I sit here at work I realize that overall the year was an emotional roller coaster.

Right now I’m going through another medication change. My second one this year. This time though I’m being weaned off of a medication and it’s being replaced by another one. This sucks because when the older medication worked it worked great but with each new manufacturer of the medicine my body responds differently. So every three months it’s a crap shoot of if it’s going to work again. You might wonder why not just get the non-generic. I thought of that too but as of July 19 the patent ran out so now everyone and their mother is replicating it and there is no more BRAND name being produced. It’s also the most popular anti-anxiety medication out on the market in the US and is in short supply. So every three months my pharmacy fills it with whatever manufacturer has them available. This is wreaking havoc in my life. I’ll be stable then go into a tailspin. So, my doctor is trying something different. But meanwhile as I’m being weaned off of the older medication I’m having side effects. One is absurd and weird nightmares. Yesterday during my nap I dreamt that there was a mallet made out of sharp needles that I used to pound 8 puppies to death. I mean really?? I woke up balling my eyes out.

If you know me, I’m not an angry person. Even in my dream it wasn’t out of anger but like a necessary thing to do. It was horrible.

I feel bad for Master because he has to go through all this with me. Usually, I’m able to be a highly functioning person but there are just some days like yesterday that even make a strong person bend at their knees. I’m not writing this for pity. Not by far. I’m writing this so that I can look back on it and remember how far I’ve come and where I’ve been. I want the focus to be on my Master but it seems like it’s been on trying to live securely with as much stability as possible.

I’m hoping the transition will only be another month at the most. Maybe then I can get back to my normal self. My normal. Which I define not through others but by my own relativity.

So happy holidays everyone. We will be celebrating the new year at club secrets. Should be fun.

Til next year.

~arianna

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2am ponderings

It really is the middle of the night but I seem to be wide awake. My alarm for work will go off in a little more then an hour. This allows me just enough time to enter a new, long overdue blog.

My Master Vile is snoring next to me. I’ve been cruising Fet and pondering about myself and my dynamic. See, I thought that with some changes that were made in August that I would be more in a rhythm of life. I’ve been trying to ‘get on track’, so to speak. I’ve been a little off kilter for the better part of a year, or I may be realizing for more then that? That is part of my pondering. I’m trying to determine exactly what is going on and not going on.

Overall, my life is still great. My dynamic with Master Vile is great. I’m just a little?? Hard to find the word. I know there’s areas to be improved but I find myself going through the motions most days. Then weeks go by and before you know it a month is gone. I know part of it is work. I work full time outside the home. I’ve been at my career with the same company for almost 20 years. The company has been going through some rough patches and job morale is at an all time low. So, my coworkers are burnt out and unhappy. I think I carry that with me when I come home too.

I celebrated my 43rd birthday by taking my Master to visit my most favorite place, Sedona, Arizona. We had a great time but realized that high elevations are not conducive to the health of my Master. He had a hard time adjusting and is now fighting off a bout of pneumonia. He’s on the mend. He went to the doctor and with some meds and rest he’s healing.

Next weekend, we are attending the Florida Power Exchange conference. It’ll be the first lifestyle conference that I’ll be attending. We went to it several years ago but I promptly got a stomach bug the first day and we had to depart early without having a chance to partake of any of the classes.

For those of you that have followed my Master and I, you will remember that I’m taking medication for depression and Bipolar. I’m in the slow process of a medication adjustment because I feel too numb. So far, there has been some improvement like writing a blog again. I enjoy writing but haven’t found anything I felt worth sharing as of late. My ponderings have been absent until now, but writing again is great because it’s a sign of feeling and thinking again. We just have to make sure that the adjustment is slow enough to allow time to contemplate whether or not the adjustment is having a positive outcome or not.

So, what exactly am I pondering? I’m trying to envision my ideal life. I’d like to be more in control of time instead of being a victim to it. I do waste a lot of time with superficial things. Technology has a way of distracting us from our authentic selves. What brings meaning to my life? Learning, writing, and serving would be the top three but not necessarily in that order. Serving I’d like for it to be first but lately my heart just hasn’t been in the present. My life revolves around serving but not meaningful servitude. I’m going through the motions but the passion is missing. Hence, one reason for the medication adjustment. The numbness has taken a first class seat on my flight of life and it’s hard to conquer when it may be chemically induced. I’m thinking that we are taking positive steps because here I am, back on my blog.

My blog is not just a pet project. It’s really not there for anybody but me but I have found that by making it public it creates a connection from me to the world. It allows me the opportunity to share experiences and thoughts that would normally stay hidden. It keeps me true to myself because I’m a horrible liar. It would take too much work to not be authentic.

I have found that through writing my thoughts I can hash out my inner workings. I can look back over a blog some time later and see that I wasn’t as much of a mess as my mind led me to believe. That I’m more normal then I might realize. That I’m not an anomaly. Lol. We all share in this human experience. My struggles represent a large portion of societies struggles. Your struggles can coincide with thousands of others around the world. We are experiencing life and creating it at the same time. I, myself, find comfort in the fact that I’m not alone in my thinking. I’m not trying to say that misery loves company because I wouldn’t describe myself as miserable at all. I would describe myself as partaking in this life. Feeling or numbness, I’m still here. I like thinking. I like feeling as long as those feelings don’t overpower my will to thrive.

That’s about it for now. I’m hoping to be here more often because writing is something that brings me contentment.

Thank you for listening.

~arianna

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Six years ago….

Six years ago today my life forever changed, I was collared and Married to Master Vile standing near a lighthouse on a Florida beach.

We celebrated this past week by spending a couple days away. Master went all out and spared no expense to make me feel special.

This was my view as I walked into our hotel room. It was great. It was perfect and a synonym to how I view our power dynamic. You see some people have this certain view that I got the short end of the straw. But in reality I’m blessed beyond measure. Although I have a lot of responsibilities at home with up keeping the home and maintaining full time employment and being a slave to my Master, He gives back more then He takes. It’s in those quiet intimate moments that people don’t see where I get a reassuring nod or a pat on the leg. It’s the sense of a job well done and making Him proud. It’s also the pillow talks at night where He asks me, “Anything on your mind?”.

It’s not that I don’t ever get tired when I do a lot but it doesn’t go unnoticed or under appreciated. He’s got my back. He’s my best friend and my family. He’s my everything.

We have a joke in our local community that “He does stuff!!”. Lol. It might not be the stuff that a normal husband would but it’s the stuff that my Master is made of. It’s not mowing the lawn or maintaining the house but it’s putting into action the ability to buy our own place. A place that gives me security and peace of mind. He does so many things behind the scenes to keep His slave sane. He dispels my fears and anxieties. He’s my rock. Unwavering and steadfast.

He’s never raised His voice to me or looked at me cross. He shakes His head a bit when something that isn’t the most well thought out comes flowing from my mouth but never does he show a hint of anger. He accepts me and takes an interest in my interests. He’s my cheerleader in life and my go to for advice.

He allows me room without letting me fall. He has me on a leash but let’s me go to the end before gently tugging me back. Normally though, I come back to my senses before the end of the leash is reached. For instance, wanting another pet. He lets me do the research and even inquire to rescue agencies. Will even go with me to see the animals but allows me to come to my own rational conclusion that another pet is not what I need. It’s a phase that passes. He says that He could’ve squashed my intrigue about having another pet from the get go but that wouldn’t have allowed me the opportunity to grow or to realize on my own that yet again, He’s right. That’s the trick, you see. He allows me to understand his rightness instead of proving me wrong. Which is more powerful? I believe that allowing me to see how right He is under my own accord is much more powerful then wielding the NO word.

So, I’m content in who we are and who we are yet to be. Six years. And I wouldn’t trade Him in for anything.

Thank you to my Master Vile.

~arianna

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Still missing??

What’s missing you may wonder? Me? My baking dish from a previous post? Or the ample thoughts of how great life is?

How about all the above? 😉

If you read about our moving and my missing baking dish, then you may be wondering if it ever turned up. Well, no. It hasn’t. I mean, how do you misplace a 13×9 inch glass dish. Lol. Well, my mom decided to buy me another one. It’s much better then the one I lost. This new one has handles. Go figure! Mom to the rescue.

I also feel like something is amiss in my life. Weird but I do. I think I just need some time to absorb all the changes that have occurred over the last two months and find my new normal. We are enjoying the new house. Finally got the AC unit replaced three days ago. Whoop whoop.

Master was great on this Christmas Eve. He made me a nice steak dinner on the grill and gave me a lovely Christmas present, a fairy. I think I’m officially a collector of fairies. I have about 7 of them. I’m not sure what exactly is the attraction to them. They are mystical and magical but yet hold a human form. I’ll need to ponder that more.

Brittany, our puppy, is growing. She’s like three times the size she was in August. She used to run under my dresser but now she can barely fit under the couch. She still only tips the scales at about 6 pounds though.

I hope everyone has a very Merry Christmas tomorrow. We don’t have a big tree this tear. Lynn got a tabletop one that she decorated and we have all the presents on the dining table. Tomorrow though they will all be relocated to the coffee table because we need to have our Christmas dinner at the table. My mom and brother are coming over. Ever since my stepdad died she’s been lonely. I’ve stepped in when I could but I know it’s not as much as what she wants.

Enjoy your holiday. I’m working and so is Master so I’ve tasked lynn with making the holiday feast of Mexican salads. Lol. Yes. I choose something delicious and easy. My mom has pancreatic disease and she won’t be able to eat it but she’s bringing a piece of chicken. She’s still in the inflammation phase so she doesn’t quite understand what’s good and bad concerning her flare ups.

Merry Christmas

~arianna

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So….Misguided Confidence?

Welcome to home ownership. Lol. Yes, full fledged home responsibility. Thought we had it covered then BAM, here we go. $$$$$

Had to replace the entire AC unit. Yes, lots of $$$. It’ll be completed within the next couple weeks. We weren’t too concerned with the first diagnosis of the AC because that would’ve been covered under the home warranty, But second diagnosis was not covered. Which one was right? Well, the first technician was fired 14 hours after he left our house for whatever reason. The second technician I watched like a hawk and understood the diagnosis and how he came to that conclusion. It’s a leaky line set. The pressure dropped a lot just within 15 minutes. That means there was a leak somewhere underground. The coils weren’t showing any signs of a leak. So instead of paying for a new line set out of pocket plus trying to find the old R-22 Freon and paying for that too, we decided to upgrade the 20 year old system because it’s just a matter of time before something else went wrong with it. So $$$$. But, we did feel like we are getting a lot for our dollar. We bought a Trane unit through a reputable company.

Tonight we have a MAsT dinner in town. Should be a good time. My Master is still recouping from price tag shock. Hopefully this will increase the value of the house. We aren’t planning on moving anytime soon. Lol.

So that’s that. Much love.

~arianna

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Missing Baking Dish

Our house. Our new house, At least to us it’s new. Built in 1999. Bought on November 15, 2018. Moved in a week ago today. Sure, there have been some pitfalls but as I look around I realize that this is home. This is where and when we set our roots. Moving is awful, the act of moving. The packing and storing, the disorganization and the never ending things that just can’t seem to fit into a category and fill a box. Does everyone have a crap drawer in the kitchen? One that is a catch all. I mean where do we put stuff that doesn’t have a place? Worse yet, where do you put it when you move so that you can find it again? 🙂

So, we are missing a baking dish. Our 9×13 inch baking dish. A simple dish. Bought from IKEA several years ago. I’ve looked through boxes and stashes. Looked through piles and under things. Our garage is a disaster but we are getting there. Work on it a little each day. Our house, our home. Who knew that Master could pull all of this off. Six weeks exactly, that’s the amount of time it took from seeing the listing to signing the papers. No money down and seller paid for repairs. We really got out good on it. Who knew. When Master Vile puts his mind to something he does it. We hadn’t even looked online for any more then a week, seriously. At first glance, I wasn’t in love. No fence for our dogs and it’s a two bedroom. No and no. But, for Master Vile he had in his mind Yes and Yes. His two requirements were met- gas stove and beautiful floors.

We actually viewed it the following day and put a contract in on it. First house we saw but Master Vile knew that this could work and be our home. Our realtor suggested a letter along with our contract to the seller. This letter basically said why we would make good home owners and how we would take care of her home. Lol. This later becomes a big coincidence because as we have come to learn she did not have home maintenance on her priority list.

She received 6 offers and two of them included letters, so she said. I’m not sure why she picked out contract above others. We are in a hot market. Especially in our price range, it’s hard to find a decent place that doesn’t need a lot of attention. Well, our home doesn’t require A LOT but it’s in need of serious TLC. We were able to get 2% of the purchase price towards repairs. Which we have used plus more but it’s nothing we didn’t have a clue about except for the AC. That was a little bit of a surprise. Thank goodness for home warranties. Although, our home inspector said things were running fine, two days after moving in- no AC. Hmmm. Well this is a bit of a conundrum. Thankfully it’s cool outside and the humidity has been in the 60-70’s.

So hopefully that’ll be fixed Monday. They already sent a guy out. Our handy man contractor was on drugs or something. He ended up finishing kind of but not before his deadline. The movers were great. The actual move of the “stuff” went smoothly. Really, I have no complaints. Would we recommend our contractor, no. Not really. But so far his work was ok. His price was fair, we think.

So, the problems we had earlier in the week have sorted themselves out. Cable, irrigation, laundry issues, and shower issues. All resolved. We just have the AC left. So, things are good. Life is good. It’s homey and will continue to fit us more and more.

Through this whole process, the highlights will remain positive even if there was some negative. Who am I not to learn and put on my rose colored glasses. Why not look back on this experience in a positive light. We have so much to grateful for. I would do it all over again.

So that’s my week. I went back to work today after being away for 9 days. Things were good there too. Thank you for listening.

~arianna

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