Total Eclipse of Life

So the total eclipse just happened across the U.S. but I was not in the 80 mile swath where it was a totality. But was still able to view it up to 85% coverage.

Millions of people drove and flew hundreds of miles to see something that may only happen once in a lifetime locally. So, this got me thinking. People are eager to see a sight or experience a situation in order for it to be a life changing event. The spiritual experience of witnessing history but I think most miss the point, even myself at times. We create each moment of our lives which we can define whether they are life changing or not. What about a smile from a stranger? A giggle of a baby? These could change the course of your life. For instance, a smile from a stranger can turn into a conversation where they have a relative that ends up being the love of your life. The example of a giggling baby could spark an interest in starting a family of your own or maybe give you back your innocence of your childhood dream that you had long forgotten through the perils of life.

My point being that as humans, in general, we tend to look ahead for a starting point, a jumping off of sorts. These moments don’t have to be fleeting or evasive. These moments can occur daily with each sunrise or with each kiss from a loved one. These are moments to be remembered. Not just the BIG once in a life time but remembering that no one moment can be recreated. The river of life continues to flow and dipping our toes in we will only feel each one drop of water just once. Meaning moments, even the tiny ones will never be recreated. They are once in a lifetime.

This is important to remember because I tend to rush time, thinking that the moments are too mundane, too common, and played over too often but in essence that’s not the case. The case is made in the present moment where we can examine what defines us.

My birthday is just around the corner so it’s automatically a time for me to evaluate what worked and didn’t work this past year and what the best year may look like for me. We don’t have any big problems. And I’m continually grateful for our circumstance is good, no matter how stressed out I get or how often I escape in my head, I know that things can always be worse. We are blessed beyond measure because our battles are winnable. I still carry the innocence of a life of love and the belief that good still conquers evil. I believe that things happen for a purpose but it’s just so hard sometimes to step aside and let the calm flow of life lift me above the horizon, out of the depths of my despair where I can view the moments as they are without defining them according to my impatience.

I’m a perfectionist. A Kind of contradiction in life. I believe that things happen for a reason but I rush those things to happen without knowing the consequences or the true reason so how do I determine whether it’s a good or bad thing. Wait… patiently wait… will it happen on its own. In the quiet moments I can believe this but in the chaotic mess of my mind I believe that I control the future which causes anxiety. Haha. Do I really believe that? Sounds silly doesn’t it but I know I’m not the only one in this world who does that.

Life happens. We all can agree on that. Good or bad, life happens.

Enjoy the journey.


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Definition: “the state of being private and away from other people”. 

That’s probably not the right word I want to use. I keep going back to the bubble idea/theory. If you’ve read my past blogs or ones of my Masters then your familiar with our bubble concept. Our bubble is an oasis in the waters of life where I can feel safe and removed from the drama, where the focus is intensely on Master. 

Some days I need the bubble. Actually, more often then not. I don’t need the daily grind of work, dinners and various responsibilities to get in the way of the laser focus. 

I’m going to take a different approach now.  My Master and I were having our morning conversation when the subject of intimacy came up. Not sexual intimacy but the light hearted kind.  The kind that is playfully lustful.  We have different view points of how we view each of our roles. Master believes that His slave should show adoration. It’s the physical touches. I believe that the slave requires permission to touch. I guess it’s keeping my Master on a pedestal. Look but don’t touch is reserved for things that are irreplaceable and rare. 

My first Master was a hands off kind of person. I was led to believe that this was all Masters truth. I have realized that no two Masters are alike but I think I linger on the old philosophy of needing permission. I figure that if they want it, they’ll take it. I know giving brings satisfaction too. I think there’s a deep imbedded yearning to be taken. But the fantasy isn’t going to satisfy both parties. Not that my fantasy is a priority. I think there in lies another aspect, it’s Masters fantasy that defines the course of actions. This was an ephinany when defining the power exchange relationship so why should I be surprised that it would be the same in the physical aspects. Masters needs supersede any thought of going against that due to my own definition of how the relationship should look. 

So I have homework.  


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Hiding in plain sight

The thrashing of life covers the trail of tears 

Hiding inside my own fears of loss or the unwanted emotions capturing the moment

One moment in time defining the next move

One word, an unspoken thought, a neglected care. 

Closed eyes only see the light. 

In the darkness, comfort is found. Like a silent pounding, hidden beneath. 

A heart rests. A mind is silenced. For one moment. 

Truth is spoken. Words Daring the chance of change. 

Through the inhalation one can go deep inside where there is a flutter of hope, a shadow, a hint of what that is felt will be gone with the next exhale. 

A memory of life gone by. Glimpse of the current dreams, goals, longings. Dare we feel those brief invitations. 

For my seclusion, I hide in plain sight. 


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So, I’m here

Good afternoon. 

I’m here in my little world. Sometimes I wonder if my world is too little. My world is safe. My world is secure. The bigger your world becomes the less your able to assume that drama will be absent. 

So, my world consists firstly of my Master. He is my main concern. It’s easy for me to put family second due to not being close to family save for my mom. We have a relationship which is as close as I can get. That’s another story in and of itself. I love my mom and on this Mother’s Day there’s nothing but positive thoughts of her. I’m cooking for her tonight. Chicken ravioli carbonara. Hopefully, it’ll come out good. Never had it before. The pic looks awesome. Not to toot my own horn but i hold my own in the kitchen,  Mainly due to the fact that I can decipher recipes and add a little to them or substitute this from that. I don’t like not having a recipe as a base. Master on the other hand likes to wing it. Most of the time it turns out really good. He’s the grill a God. Lol. 

I don’t have many hobbies. When I get free time I tend to visit my “other” mom. Who lives two hours away so it’s a full day. Or, I like to piddle around at our local goodwill, decorate my calendar or make cards. Although, last night I spent about an hour painting on my paint by numbers. It’s a really pretty pic. Big. About 17×14 or something like that. I didn’t measure but it takes up a bit amount of space.  

So, I stayed home from our coffee group this past Wednesday night. It’s kinky coffee. We go most weeks. It’s a time for my Master to get out and socialize although no one is really into a power exchange dynamic. My Master and L went. They don’t get to spend alone time together so it was a good opportunity for her and for myself to get a little time to work on a project. Master gave me a task to make a karija dress. It’s a pretty simple thing. No pattern needed which is good because the extent of my sewing skills are pillows, curtains, and a quilt. I’m halfway finished. He gave me a deadline of July 1. That seems like plenty of time but I just don’t get spare time when I’m not tired or when I’m actually feeling creative. For those who aren’t familiar, I work full time outside the home and maintain the home too. Although L is a big help. She’s the main reason why I can have creative time. It’s hard bough seeing someone do chores and me sit and do nothing. We’ve tried it different ways but time is our enemy. It doesn’t help that I need an early bedtime of 8 pm. I need as close to 8 hours of sleep. I wake at 3:45 am. This allows time to enjoy coffee with my Master and L. They both arise with me and we have time together for about 30 minutes. Usually both go back to bed. First L does once she says good bye to me at the door, then my Master talks to me on the phone during my morning commute and then he hopefully gets back sleep by 6 am. I clock in at 5:45 which is worth it to miss rush hour. What takes me 25 minutes in the early morning would turn into an hour by 8:30 am. 

My job is pretty physical. Last week when I had one of our areas that requires a lot of walking I put in over 17,000 steps. Doesn’t sound like it would be too difficult but there’s other stuff that happens to. I won’t go into details because I don’t really want work to read this blog and if for some chance they do I don’t want to be talking about my job in a way that could give out non public information. 

My days are filled with work mostly. Then it’s hard for me to relax when I get home and there’s always something to be done. L thinks I can’t relax. I haven’t learned to do nothing if she’s there. She cleans really well and cooks good too. But… if I leave something to pick up later she gets to it before I do. So, sometimes I feel like things need to be accomplished so she doesn’t have to. L works but not full time although she gets paid well. I’m happy that she is able to visit family and friends. She’s a lot closer to her family then I am mine and she has made a big sacrifice moving in with us because now her family is 90 minutes away. I’m hoping to stay where we live for another year once our lease is up although it’s hard on her. After that then we can move closer. We are spoiled though. Fenced in yard, garage, and a big place plus our own washer and dryer and irrigation.  That was important because I needed one without an agitator. In the apartment I had to wash my delicates in the bathtub because the washer would eat stuff. Now I have a gentle cycle without an agitator. Whoop whoop. It’s the little things. Lol.  Master has his own office and L has her own room. She sleeps in there and has her stuff in there. We don’t have a king bed so our sleeping arrangements are separate. She will snuggle with me at night before Master gets off of work. It works for us. 

I don’t talk to much about L. Maybe because there is no need on my end. She writes in her journal and it’s nice when we share. It opens up deep conversations. It’s important to answer questions as they come up because we interpret things differently. I mean, when there’s another person in the mix more things need to be considered when living together. There’s a whole separate set of wants, needs, emotions and expectations. We don’t argue and have yet to have a disagreement. She’s very passive. That’s one reason why it’s important to continue to share our feelings. I don’t want to inadvertently hurt her. I do get a little weird sometimes. I’m still learning. I grew up by myself save for my mom and usually I’m alone with my significant other so it’s an adjustment.  The thing to adjust to is another person not necessarily L. L is the most laid back, non aggressive easy going person I know. I can’t say the same for me. Lol. She’s challenged by living with me.  😉

So. That’s it in a nutshell.  I’m here. Just living. Looking forward to our rainy season although not to work in the rain. We are in a drought. Unusual for us. 

I’m babbling. My lunch break is over. It’s been fun. 


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To be intrigued 

The passing of time continues in a never ending continuum of love and loss. The years past are distant memories that have faded to glimpses into a soul dripping into an abyss of emotion where time and space are one of the same.  

Being pushed past the brink of forever into a never yielding time of soul searching. Soul longing. Soul intrigued.  

With eyes closed one can envision a time of color while in the blackness. Of life within the desert.  Of love within the emptiness. Never before has the mind been so powerful as in its ability to create in the dark. In the empty pages life springs forth. To be torn away. Discarded. Following examples set forth by the elders we stay within the reach of invisible boundaries. Breaking free only to be snagged back into the routine of life with eyes wide open but in the dark, yes, in the dark we can create a new reality. 

Breathing in the air of today so we may exhale the breath of tomorrow. Tomorrow. Ha. A broken dream. An unrealized reality. The oxymoron of an enlightened soul. Can the soul ever obtain enlightenment? Isn’t the soul forever longing to become an ascended being. To grace the gates of heaven or to become one with the vast goodness of the Mother, or whatever beloved or feared power you believe in. Fear.  Such a powerful emotion. It can bring the great to their knees or rise up the smallest among us. Fear. Used since the beginning of time to conquer our souls. To enslave our minds and to encircle our loins in an invisible bondage to be broken only through the freedom of choice.  To choose to break the mold. To become free from others only to be enveloped with a nudging of longing for something more. 

The stiffness of solidarity. The softness of easing into flight. These are the things that intrigue me. 


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It’s kind of funny. As my stock of coffee filters gets lower and lower, I have about 2 weeks worth left, I begin to think of all the stuff that’s happened over the past 200 days. That’s been many many cups of coffee, many many morning conversations on the way to work, and many many smiles and some plans that did not happen and some that did. So, what’s on the agenda for the next 200? 

As I get comfortable with the new decade of 40, I begin to contemplate how I’d like to spend the time I have left. A shop without a course is bound by the ever changing currents and can become adrift at sea or crash to the shore. So, I want to set a flexible course for no one can yet predict the weather but I’d like to have an idea of the different ports to visit along the way. 

Last week I realized that there has only been one person in my life that has been an ear to my adventures, a shoulder in my woes, and a confidant through the last decade. Believe it or not, it’s been a coworker. We only have gotten together less then a dozen times in as many years. There’s several things that we don’t have in common but we have had a lot of time together. We’ve listened as the weeks of life have ticked by paycheck by paycheck. We’ve shared the interests of work while going our separate ways in our free time. No one except my mom, has known me through such years. Kind of sad in a way but it fits. My mom moved us around a lot so I never put forth roots. I once counted with my older half brother how many times I had moved between both and the age of fifteen. Believe it or not it was over 20. Since then I’ve added another dozen or so.. the longest stability I’ve had has been my mom and my job of 17 years. The longest relationship was 11 years. So.. I’m used to change but at the same time it can be scary and exciting. I’ve begun to realize that life has a way of moving. Always changing if even subtle. 

Although I want goals, I haven’t written them down. I haven’t been able to narrow the options. I know that once I make something a priority it’ll happen, if I focus enough energy towards it. 

I’m actually debating if Paris is really important to me, like it was several years ago when I dodged out of a trip with my last Master. I know I’d like to take a short trip to Las Vegas. That’s on my bucket list. I used to have a long bucket list of adventures. Like hot air ballooning across the Serengeti, yes, they actually have those. But, I’m not searching like I used to be in my early thirties. I used to want my life to change quickly, now I’m finding that the daily routine is comforting, because eventually it’ll change. I don’t have to force the hand of life. I don’t have to fight so hard to steer against the wind. I can use the winds of change as a guide. Maybe I’ll skip a port due to a storm but that doesn’t mean that I’ll never sail past it again. I feel transitional right now, meaning I’m preparing for a shift. Not sure what it is yet but I’m mentally gathering together things which I hold dear. Kind of like questioning yourself, in a fire what would you grab? What’s replaceable? I feel like purging those things which are replaceable so that I can have a clear focus. I feel a little cluttered right now, mentally. I’m using this time so that I can gather my thoughts and intentions so that I can formulate my destination. 

Onward and upward. Until the next coffee filter package is empty.. 😎


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Learning, leaning and Listening. 

A behavior, an embrace, and an action. 

Learning generally requires listening but what about leaning. What if your not leaning on another but instead leaning on your own inner strength. The term leaning may generally be taken as a way to negate your own personal responsibility but it can also be used as an anchor, a balance of sorts, kind of like a tripod being more stable then using just two anchor points. 

I generally lean on Master but in times of absence I lean back on my own learning from him that I obtained through listening. 

Listening in a tpe (total power exchange) is an active action. It’s not passive. It requires all different senses in order to truly absorb the meaning intended. Not that my Master is unclear but I would miss the subtleties that could easily go unseen in passive listening.  This creates a immersion learning experience even when words are not used.  


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